back in track

i am back and i have been in MIA for 2 months. During these 2 months there was a lot stuffs happening which was quite pressuring for me. Back then my sister in law was pregnant and my grandparents in law moved in to stay with us. When my sister in law was pregnant, I wasn't contented at all, i know i am selfish but really her pregnancy didn't come at the right time for me... I am sorry. Unfortunately for her, her pregnancy doesn't last and she got miscarriage at 8th weeks. I was guilty when she told me, and i felt really sorry for her but i didn't know how to comfort her at all. Nevertheless, i am glad she moved on and back to her usual self now.


Obviously I am not pregnant, but I am back on track to try again but this time is with professional's help. After discussing with my hubby, we decided to go to a fertility specialist, Dr Charles Lim. Yesterday was my first visit and was quite a pleasant one, he is very straight to the point, no additional comment and I feel he is a little over confidence. He didn't give me any promising or guarantee that I will sure get pregnant none he can assist in my condition but just tell me to entrust him. So i did, or can I said I got influence?! My buddy, Sarah Tan went with me and she was very comfortable with him hence somehow i got influence by her too.


Dr Lim is not cheap, I spent around 830 bucks for consultation, outer and inner ultra scan, pap smear, blood test, Gonal-F injection, medicine and vitamins. Plus i still need to return to him on Monday for injection again and next visit is this coming wednesday. Now what i am hoping for is my hubby's return... i don't wanna waste his money for me going such expensive treatment when he is not even able to around on the fertility week.

the 2 Week Waiting

Now I am in my dpo (days past ovulation) 10th /11th day; it is a long and worrying wait. Somehow I got the feeling that I am pregnant, but I did do a pregnancy test (which I shouldn't be) yesterday and I got a clear SINGLE line...


I do want to get pregnant, to have a baby, to have a kid in my life, as I want this pregnancy, this baby, this kid be a motivation of my life. I realise I have nothing to look forward to, no motivation, no enthusiasm in life anymore. My life has become very routine, and I seem to lose interest in most thing.  Due to desperation, I even went to pray where ever the forum people said it will come true.


But, even if I am pregnant I tends to get worry too, I am worry that I will get ectopic pregnancy once again. On the other hand, I am kind of confidence that if this pregnancy is a real one, it will be a normal and healthy one. I gave myself a lot faiths and hopes. It just another 4 days for me to depend on the result, I will be seeing my chinese doctor this coming Monday and I shall see how good she is and what will be my verdict. 


I am sincerely praying to my GOD, and I really hopes my prayer is heard. 


Good night

so proud of myself

I am so proud of myself this week; I have officially quit caffeine and even went to swim alone at my neighbourhood public swimming pool.  It has been 15 years since I step in to a swimming pool to swim, last time I had problem in swimming 5 laps but yesterday I had swam 13 laps! Incredible! I am also shocked with myself.  I told myself, I will continue to do so and possible will swim every alternate day.  I really hope I can really make it, as I realised swimming really help me to relieve my tension.

To me, quitting caffeine was the toughest, it is even harder if I will to compare with quit smoking. I was having headache and migraine for days; it was only subsided after I visited my Chinese sensei.  You may be thinking why I want to quit caffeine, I decided to do so if after I read this article: http://sg.news.yahoo.com/caffeine-impair-womans-fertility-165054194.html. This is only reflecting infertility but there is one more article referring to fallopian tubes which really scare me off.  

I had 2 ectopic pregnancies, so I really need to take good care of myself. Whatever I need to prevent or quit I am doing so, now all I have to do is to pray. Whatever I need to prevent, I had done my preparation so this Saturday I am so going to Bugis Buddha’s template to pray and get answer.

stress...

this week is my ovulation week... and just so happen hubby's grandparents are moving in with us. Not that I being non-respect but they are really a pair of troublemaker, now this week is such a stressful week especially to my hubby I totally have no confident that we can conceive even we did try out this week.

Plus my bbt chart for this month looks so unstable which gave me unnecessary stress, like this morning I need to remind myself not to think about it but I can't as my heart was beating so fast and hard when I see my temperature shot up. I have to agree with my gynae, TCM and hubby I am really giving myself unnecessary stress that cause to issue for us having difficult to conceive healthily.

pending for Ovulation

I am 18 days after period and still waiting for my ovulation. I am puzzle with my own body,  as i am using the clear blue fertility monitor, till to-date my monitor still telling me I am not fertile. Instead of puzzle, I'm more like worried with myself... am I really not fertile at all? Based on my past record, approximately day 16 I will be ovulating but now I am not even fertile.. :(

Yesterday I went to my cousins's baby shower, once again I am been asked about this question: "when is your turn?". My answer to this question is "GOD dont want to give me, what can I do", i realised this answer is the best answer for this type of question. People who asked the question and got this answer will not dare to further the conversation as the hint is way too obvious.

Suddenly I recalled, I still got balance of the ovulation strips, I am not sure should I test together with the fertility test.  If I do, am I stressing myself? 2 weeks ago I went to see my TCM, she told me I am stress but last Friday was my follow up and she told me I am much calmer. I hopes this is a good sign for me.

Now I am really hoping GOD will give me the baby dust, I need my hubby to be around this week. He is on standby to India but please dont let him go off today, tomorrow or Wednesday. Please let him go off at least on Friday... I am very sure this week is my ovulation week and bet to go for a try!

first step....

Before this blog, I had one which I journaled it as my diary but I had deleted away because it was filled with sad memories. Now I decided to open this blog to officially journal down my path to parenthood, of course I am not a mother yet but trying hard to conceive.


My hubby and I have been officially trying since year 2009, I had a miscarriage in October 2009 and subsequently I got twice ectopic pregnancy in July 2010 and February 2011. Don't know am I consider lucky, as having twice ectopic pregnancy at my left fallopian tube, my left fallopian tube is still intact with me in my body. Now before we going to try again, I need to get my health and body back in shape so beside going back to my gynae for follow ups I have been seeing TCM too.


My TCM is located in Chinatown,  she was highly recommended in mummysg forum hence I am taking my bet on her. I am very supportive to TCM, although it takes longer path to conceive but as compare with western treatment, herbs are better than pills. I always think western pills are "poisonous" as it will leave "mark" in your body by giving you side effect either with immediately effect or when you are old.


Beside seeing doc, I also bought a Clearblue fertility monitor and test sticks to track my fertility. I had just started using it unfortunately I had accidentally miss out the first test date which was supposed to be today ha ha ha... the monitor prompted me to test but i was in the zombie states in the morning so totally forgotten about the monitor when I woke up. Nevertheless I know it is not my fertility period yet as being serious in the project I have been doing monthly BBT chart and my BBT chart told me I am still far away from my fertility. 


I have to admit that I am giving all my mean to this conceiving project, to the extend that my TCM told me I am Stress! Although I don't feel the stress, but my pulse is telling her I AM. I have no idea how to calm myself down as I couldn't feel the stress at all, what worst is my hubby also think the same as her. 


Now, my next step is to calm and relax myself, I haven't feature how yet but I believe I will.